Would you rather be a zombie or a vampire? by Martin Belam

Would you rather be a zombie or a vampire? An answer to Oxford Uni's hardest question

A good-enough response could help get you through the All Souls College entrance exam – so, here’s a primer on the undead

https://www.theguardian.com/culture/shortcuts/2018/oct/08/would-you-rather-be-a-zombie-or-a-vampire-an-answer-to-oxford-unis-hardest-question

Martin Belam

Mon 8 Oct 2018 13.50 BST

With news that the entrance exam at All Souls College, Oxford, asks prospective Fellows to write an essay on whether they would prefer to be a zombie or a vampire, we look at the pros and cons of their lifestyles.

All Souls College: it’s one of the Oxford’s colleges. Some of their members were Raymond Carr, Lawrence of Arabia, Isaiah Berlin,…

Vampires

For

Have you ever seen a bad-looking vampire? It’s not clear whether only stylish people get turned into vampires or whether being a vampire gives you style, but there’s no getting away from the fact that vampires look cool.

And vampire life looks like an erotic riot – all that mysterious swooping around at night and the frequent nibbling of tender necks. Plus, being a vampire also comes equipped with a range of useful special powers: who wouldn’t want to be able to transform into a bat, or hypnotise passers-by into becoming your minions and doing your bidding?

Swoop: When a bird or aeroplane swoops, it suddenly moves downwards through the air in a smooth curving movement.

Nibbling: Biting, eating

Do sb’s bid: If you say that someone does another person's bidding, you disapprove of the fact that they do exactly what the other person asks them to do, even when they do not want to.

Against

Being immortal sounds fun, until you realise it means watching everyone you love grow old and die in front of your eyes. Unless, of course, you vampirise them so they can spend eternity with you, which puts a lot of pressure on your relationship choices.

And as the author Susan Ertz put it: “Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.” Filling those Sunday afternoons is a lot harder when there are severe restrictions on where you can go – no sunlight, no walking into places uninvited, and you can’t just crash out round a friends’ haunted castle unless you’ve brought your spare coffin with you.

You will also need to spend multiple lifetimes avoiding garlic and being careful around sharp wooden objects – although, to be fair, most humans would struggle with having a stake plunged into the heart.

Zombies

For

While being a vampire can be a lonely business, the general rule of thumb with zombies is that you go around in a marauding mob, which suggests it’s a much more sociable choice, suitable for extroverts and those less inclined towards brooding introspection. It’s also a great time to be a zombie if you have an interest in acting, since, at the moment, both Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead are providing plenty of opportunities to be an extra. Plus, the zombie diet of choice – brains – is totally delicious, and has the health benefit of being full of DHA, which is an important omega-3 fatty acid.

Against

While hanging out in a big crowd might suit the more sociably minded, there’s very little in the way of scintillating conversation. Most zombie communication is done with low moans, or by muttering: “Brains! Brains!” with your arms outstretched.

Scintillating: Bright

And, in contrast to vampires, and despite the best efforts of Halloween costume designers, it is very hard to pull off a sexy zombie look. Not only is being the living dead a skincare-regime nightmare, you also have to deal with your body parts dropping off left, right and centre. The constant smell of rotting flesh is also usually considered a turn-off.

Verdict: Vampires for life