The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down. She is really angry. She says to a man next to her, ”The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
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The Pope just finished a tour of New York and was taking a limousine to the airport. He had never driven a limo before so he asked the driver if he could drive for a while. The driver pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope then drove onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of a police car in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The policeman came to the limo, looked in through the windows, then said, “Just a moment please, I need to call my chief.”
The policeman called his chief and explained to him that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding.
“How do I handle this, chief?” asked the policeman. “Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief. “No! This guy is even more important!”
“Is it the President?” asked the chief.
“No! Even more important!”
“Well, who is it then?” screamed the chief.
“I don’t know, sir,” replied the policeman, “But he’s got the Pope as his driver.”
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Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their seats, but the three engineers all went into one toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, “Ticket, please.”
The door opened just a little and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to ride without a ticket”? said one confused accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants went into a toilet and the three engineers went into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left their toilet and walked over to the toilet where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”
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There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said, “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?”
The preacher replied again, “No, God will save me.”
Finally, the preacher drowned and went to heaven. The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”
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A very drunk man gets home and starts to open the door but he is too drunk to do it. From the balcony, his wife shouts, “Should I throw you the key?”
“I have got the key,” he said, “Throw me the lock!”
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An old man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor gave him a set of hearing aids that helped the man to hear 100 %.
The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman. She knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all amazed.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”(*)
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
“So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age,” Bob replies.
“Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
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